I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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