Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I smell stomach acid.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
