Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
