Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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