I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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