My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
