watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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