Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
