did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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