At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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