Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
