guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
