My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
