I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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