Define "chronic" masturbator.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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