omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
