I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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