1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
