Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
