Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
