i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
