I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
