Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize