Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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