I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
