So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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