FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Are my feet made of real feet?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
