Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
