If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
