Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
