I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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