I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
