life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
