My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
