I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
