census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
