Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
