I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
