Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
