Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I cut my penus on the lid.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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