so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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