I should be sponsored by Trojan
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
