You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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