I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
