i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
