true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
