First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
