i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
