Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
