just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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